Can I do this?

Be so... unorthodox?

Yes, yes and yes.  But unusual, even I must admit.  These things that I want in my life.  Is it just as easy as that?  ask?  be perfect?  be accepted?

Such an incredible, amazing thing this is.  Full of trust and love.  Respect, understanding.  How did I get so lucky?  When did I become understood in such an amazing way?  I cannot describe the feeling.  Freedom to be who I am, without question.

People know all about me and love me anyway?
hallelujah.
for reals though.
for real.

lower our hands...

I'm AWAKE.

after a week straight of 3 hours/night snooze I should be dead to the world but...

I cannot sleep.  I have too much in my mind.  Too many ideas/memories/plans/hopes/fears/expectations, etc...

I want so much.  I feel I deserve these things because I was clean in my asking.  And good.  I try to be a good person.

Time ain't gonna fix it honey, time don't give a shit...

go straight ahead.  do it.
it's gonna split

I'm dirty, gritty and clean and organized all together.  How does this happen?  why?

FUCK IT

won't hold you
won't hold you

aw honey, aw honey

go ahead

élan vital

Things to consider...

Sleep. This is important. Food, clean house, hectic schedule, sleep. Jesus I need it but I can't seem to sleep for more than a few hours at a time. Drugs sometimes do that to you. Strange dreams that leave a creepy film behind.

My beautiful girl baby is big... teeth, fumbled walking, yelling at me already. 1st birthday soon.

Externship at the lab at kaiser is exciting and interesting and constantly evolving and I love it. Too bad I will be leaving there soon, one more week.

Work. It fucking HURTS my body to be there. After nearly 17 years of waiting tables, and 4 of them being at the zu... my knee is absolutely fucked, carpal tunnel, backaches. Most importantly though I just want to punch everyone in the face. It's good that I'm moving on.

It's been almost a year since I've really taken any pictures, I miss it. I have plans to start doing it again but it seems like the start date on that just keeps getting pushed back. Pesky life.

I have an ulcer, did I tell you that? It's insane, at my age, ridiculous. That one person should carry the weight of a lifetime on their shoulders at all times is so unnecessary. It pushes on my chest and tries to snuff me out. My limbs feel strange and far away. I grit my teeth. My face is flushed. Absent.

I'm here and away.

But I am, excited by this life and hopeful of the future, determined and proud of my accomplishments.

and something else, I want to do this regularly again. I want to create, take pictures, build, sew, rip and tear old into new. I want to see old friends and drink coffee in too-big sweaters.

yes, you... call me.

recoil

my... some time has passed.

rather than recap what was missed I'll just keep on though...

It's been a bit. have things changed? probably, but not too drastically. the only time I really notice it is when I want to whisk off to the city and can't due to babbins.

I notice I keep my second reality separate and only for myself.

In this one, I rock out to long forgotten music, drink too much for no reason and by myself, chat with friends online and write about my boring life in a way that seems exciting or at least interesting. in my other life I am super mom, I play with my daughter, do laundry, clean house, work, etc. It's actually awesome.

this debut from my hiatus, however, is imposing a bit of nervosa though... don't know why, no one reads these fucking things, but I feel like I'm supposed to entertain you bitches or something...

and the beat goes on...

It's unfortunate that my posts have degraded into little more than quick updates on the state of my affairs.

I'm not gonna do anything about that though.

at least not for awhile. It's hard work growing people and I've really got my hands full these days.

Most everything is going well but there is one aspect that definitely is not. I won't go into it but suffice to say that it weighs on me on the unhappy occasions that I am reminded of it.

In other news, the dog is awesome. we kept her shelter name, Nikki. It seems to suit her. she's really well behaved and pretty calm for a puppy. She's settling in nicely. The cats don't seem to mind her either.

school starts wednesday. I'm excited and also a little nervous.

Shawn is good but I'd like to see more of him.

I guess that's all for now...

and the winner is...

so...

It's a girl!

yup.  we were really hoping for a boy but I'm not gonna throw her back or anything.

as far as updates in other news...

hot water heater is finally fixed after they tried to charge us an xtra $1350 on top of the $850 we were already paying them.

kudos to shawn for getting the guy to come back on his own time to install it under the table. it only ended up costing us about $60 more than the original estimate instead of our first born.

we got the dog!  got the call back on tuesday.  we can pick her up next week after she gets spade.  (see pic from 2 posts back)

still really busy, in reality though I think it's busier in my head than it is in the really real world.  in time though they'll be one and the same...

the not-so-great escape attempt

when I woke up this morning it felt like my demon spawn was literally trying to rip it's way out of my midsection with its soft, flexy fingernails.

this lovely overture lasted from 5am until around 10 when I went to the ER.  from there, it stopped, waited until right before they did my 2nd sonogram and then... wait for it... steady... ATTACK!

ugh.

it hurt like a bitch but baby's fine (of course).  dr. thinks it's mostly caused by all my scar tissue from all my surgeries.  skin, organs, etc are trying to move/stretch and won't!  or rather, it will but not without bitching about it and trying to drag me to hell first.  

the good news it that this will continue to happen as long as baby continues to grow so thank god for that.

they offered me percocet for the pain but nah.  tylenol is fine.  and they kept me for-fucking-ever so I was ready to eat my foot or digest my baby or resort to the half melted atkins bar in my purse.

It was awful, haha.

so after half portions of the following:

chile relleno burrito

pint of ben & jerry's americone dream

flan

can of rootbeer

and a nap

I am starting to feel like a person again.

The lab tech told me the sex of the baby but I want to confirm with my appt. in ucsf before I repeat the verdict so... stay tuned.

oh!  while I was at the hospital they installed my new sleep number bed and it is the most divine thing ever.  I think we're going to be very very good friends.