a day in the life

"All the jocularity went out of my day when I arrived home to find that my house had been burgled."

this is an amazing sentence for a few reasons.

1) it contains awesome words

2) it is simultaneously amusing and saddening

3) it conjures rich visuals, that for some reason include a fat man's jowls.

upon stumbling onto this literary nonpareil I was immediately moved to create a witty apologue well beyond my writing capabilities...

well, you see my dilemma.

I long to write in witty forgotten words.  hilarious, yet descriptive ones that sound like "cattywompus" or painful, irreplaceable words like "pariah".  I want to replace my "without" with "sans" or "sin" and not have to assault the creative bank to do it.

ah well.  maybe another day...

hey!  maybe I could get into a freak accident involving encyclopedia brittanica's and wikipedia and then overnight become a hyper-intelligent-computer-head.  I could wear a mask and change my name and have access to boundless, yet mostly useless and partially inaccurate, information to better wow you all!!!!!

no...?  bad idea?

mk....

this post needs no title

my life now consists of...

bizarre food pairings.  

*shawn*  "you want cole slaw and oranges for dinner?  really?  ok..."

vomiting out of thin air for no apparent reason and without warning.

"no, really mom I feel HACK cough choke splat *wipes mouth* fine..."

being completely out of breath because I had to walk from one end of the house to the other.

*chris* "why the hell are you so out of breath?  all you did was bring the laundry in..."

and, *sigh* my favorite, being so backed up that you'd swear I lived on a very strict diet of cheese cheese and more cheese.  

there's more... oh lord there's more, and I haven't even gotten to the yucky bits yet...

what to expect when you're expecting demon spawn

well well well...

just where have I been?

I'll tell you where... with my head in the toilet for the last 2 months.

I think maybe it's prudent to start farther back a bit...

some of you know I haven't been feeling good.  fine.  whatever.  some of you even think I may possibly be dying or at the very least have mono or something since I've been sick for awhile now.

have you ever heard of occam's razor?

well in this case occam is mighty sharp because the most likely hypothesis is that I am *erp* pregnant.

*gasp!*  "the HORROR!!!!!

yes, I know.  all of you should start storing up canned goods and invest heavily in armor for your home.  As I type this I am currently growing the first of my minions to staff the army that will eventually successfully take over this planet, or at the very least, my neighborhood.

It's important to keep in mind that I will flog you heavily in the town square for uttering a bad word about my family, especially the one I am currently incubating, so all negative comments will be taken as threats against the throne.

also, let it be noted that I have sufficiently heard the semi-rhetorical question, "I thought you didn't want kids?" enough times that if I hear it anymore I will start to become hostile, and let's face it... for a 5'3 midge I can be a pretty scary bitch, so lets not push the creepy lady, mmmkay?

so yes, I have hung up the booze, drugs and... um well that's it, unless you count everything else that's good like sushi, caffeine, rare meat, raw oysters, and unbelievably, cold cuts.

I'll try to be around more, but honestly at 10 weeks I'm not over the affection for the vomitorium quite yet.  

so yes, all the pertinent info... healthy, moving around already, not sure of the sex yet but fairly positive it's a boy and also pretty sure I'll live through this.

vicki wants all the baby shower biz (god only knows why) and everyone will be expected to pay homage to the beast.  yes, boys too.  

yes, boys too.  

I may be pregnant and physically worthless but I'm still doing shit my way.

post secret

I don't have much to say right now so I thought I'd share one of the most touching, tragic, beautiful, disturbing, interesting and completely human community art projects I have ever encountered.

I read it every sunday.  I never miss it.

It quiets me.  looking in on other's secrets, like a dirty voyeur. invited to violate.  

these pictures and words scream, and I create in my mind for every post a face to go along with each dark debut.  

I wonder what abstruse, shrouded disguise would work its way from my own pen if I were to attempt to post a secret.  do I have any secrets?

must feelings or events meet specific criteria in order to be considered cloak-and-dagger?

If you've never told a soul but the event is horrifically boring and unworthy of breath does it qualify?

or is it simply something you've chosen to keep to yourself... maybe for no reason other than you were tired of talking that day?

I think it must make you feel dirty, wrong or guilty if it wants to make the grade...

what do you think?