a day in the life

"All the jocularity went out of my day when I arrived home to find that my house had been burgled."

this is an amazing sentence for a few reasons.

1) it contains awesome words

2) it is simultaneously amusing and saddening

3) it conjures rich visuals, that for some reason include a fat man's jowls.

upon stumbling onto this literary nonpareil I was immediately moved to create a witty apologue well beyond my writing capabilities...

well, you see my dilemma.

I long to write in witty forgotten words.  hilarious, yet descriptive ones that sound like "cattywompus" or painful, irreplaceable words like "pariah".  I want to replace my "without" with "sans" or "sin" and not have to assault the creative bank to do it.

ah well.  maybe another day...

hey!  maybe I could get into a freak accident involving encyclopedia brittanica's and wikipedia and then overnight become a hyper-intelligent-computer-head.  I could wear a mask and change my name and have access to boundless, yet mostly useless and partially inaccurate, information to better wow you all!!!!!

no...?  bad idea?

mk....

this post needs no title

my life now consists of...

bizarre food pairings.  

*shawn*  "you want cole slaw and oranges for dinner?  really?  ok..."

vomiting out of thin air for no apparent reason and without warning.

"no, really mom I feel HACK cough choke splat *wipes mouth* fine..."

being completely out of breath because I had to walk from one end of the house to the other.

*chris* "why the hell are you so out of breath?  all you did was bring the laundry in..."

and, *sigh* my favorite, being so backed up that you'd swear I lived on a very strict diet of cheese cheese and more cheese.  

there's more... oh lord there's more, and I haven't even gotten to the yucky bits yet...

what to expect when you're expecting demon spawn

well well well...

just where have I been?

I'll tell you where... with my head in the toilet for the last 2 months.

I think maybe it's prudent to start farther back a bit...

some of you know I haven't been feeling good.  fine.  whatever.  some of you even think I may possibly be dying or at the very least have mono or something since I've been sick for awhile now.

have you ever heard of occam's razor?

well in this case occam is mighty sharp because the most likely hypothesis is that I am *erp* pregnant.

*gasp!*  "the HORROR!!!!!

yes, I know.  all of you should start storing up canned goods and invest heavily in armor for your home.  As I type this I am currently growing the first of my minions to staff the army that will eventually successfully take over this planet, or at the very least, my neighborhood.

It's important to keep in mind that I will flog you heavily in the town square for uttering a bad word about my family, especially the one I am currently incubating, so all negative comments will be taken as threats against the throne.

also, let it be noted that I have sufficiently heard the semi-rhetorical question, "I thought you didn't want kids?" enough times that if I hear it anymore I will start to become hostile, and let's face it... for a 5'3 midge I can be a pretty scary bitch, so lets not push the creepy lady, mmmkay?

so yes, I have hung up the booze, drugs and... um well that's it, unless you count everything else that's good like sushi, caffeine, rare meat, raw oysters, and unbelievably, cold cuts.

I'll try to be around more, but honestly at 10 weeks I'm not over the affection for the vomitorium quite yet.  

so yes, all the pertinent info... healthy, moving around already, not sure of the sex yet but fairly positive it's a boy and also pretty sure I'll live through this.

vicki wants all the baby shower biz (god only knows why) and everyone will be expected to pay homage to the beast.  yes, boys too.  

yes, boys too.  

I may be pregnant and physically worthless but I'm still doing shit my way.

post secret

I don't have much to say right now so I thought I'd share one of the most touching, tragic, beautiful, disturbing, interesting and completely human community art projects I have ever encountered.

I read it every sunday.  I never miss it.

It quiets me.  looking in on other's secrets, like a dirty voyeur. invited to violate.  

these pictures and words scream, and I create in my mind for every post a face to go along with each dark debut.  

I wonder what abstruse, shrouded disguise would work its way from my own pen if I were to attempt to post a secret.  do I have any secrets?

must feelings or events meet specific criteria in order to be considered cloak-and-dagger?

If you've never told a soul but the event is horrifically boring and unworthy of breath does it qualify?

or is it simply something you've chosen to keep to yourself... maybe for no reason other than you were tired of talking that day?

I think it must make you feel dirty, wrong or guilty if it wants to make the grade...

what do you think?

junket terrace

I haven't been spending much time on the computer.  

I really haven't felt like it, been sick, reading, playing video games, etc.

I'm kind of in a strange place.

like a train station.  I have my transfer in my hand but I'm just not sure where my connecting trip picks up at.  does that make sense?

every few years or so something(s) happen(s) that change the course of your life completely.  a lot of people miss these moments, not fully appreciating them for what they are until they look back years later.

not me.  I am completely aware when I step up to the forks.  

I take a deep breath and hope I've gone the right direction.  it's always a gamble, you never really know how it's going to work out.

situations doomed to awesome or terrible with no shades of mediocrity.

so it's that time for me again.  re-evaluate, turn over leaves, put back in the oven, touch up the paint.

so... I'll see you when I get back

Wii love it

yup.

we got a wii.  I've been wanting one for awhile now, mostly for the wii fit.

I love nintendo.  they have been the leaders in innovation, handhelds and kickass classics for a long time now.  I've been to cube clubs to play unreleased games on high def t.v's with dj's spinning and fun merch there for the taking.

I'm completely loyal, regardless of what they may say about this console being "for kids".  

honestly, these people can punch themselves in the face.  animal crossing may look like it's for 5 year olds but ya'll betta belee, it's fun.

I had the original nintendo.  mike tyson's punch out.  zelda.  mario bros.  metroid.  etc.  

I had the super nes.  again, all the classics.

I waited up all night when the gamecube came out, outside in the cold, in the middle of winter to be one of the first to own this magnificent entertainer, and to escape the inevitable absence of said gaming stations for months on end.

so after a seriously lengthy wait, I have finally procured the wii along with fit.

Now, I remember watching a short video literally years before it's debut, showcasing the possible new idea for a console.  I thought it was brilliant, a totally new and ingenious way to play, one that didn't involve getting extra fat.  

I had chalked it up to an abandoned project and had forgotten all about it when it was finally released.

so, to continue, I made shawn pick it up while I was at work so that I could immerse myself in this glory upon abode arrival.  my sister, not much of a gamer, sent me a text message while I was working that read, "this wii fit is awesome!"

I couldn't wait to get home, and disappointment didn't greet me at the door.  

my sister excitedly babbled about the mini games they had played.

shawn had moved the couch to the far end of the living room in a campaign to create "more room for activities".

This thing is, well, awesome.  It's fun.  It's good for you.  It's ridiculously unrealistic about your BMI in a very flattering way.

wii sports is also extra fun, bowling, tennis, softball.  I can completely see myself drunk as fuck and babbling with house guests while I lose ten frames.  I haven't even played all of these games.  we haven't even downloaded the classics yet.

the best part?  it's in the living room instead of in our bedroom like the xbox is.  I no longer have to vie with shawn for quality time with the virtual babysitter.

hurray for technology.

3 cheers for fun.

hip hip for fitness.

ya-fucking-hoo for me.

yay!

addled eyes

okay so I haven't been online hardly at all over the last few days.  in fact, it took me literally hours to go through all my messages, so I should definitely remember that the next time I go slacking off.

shawn has had a few days off, which has definitely contributed to my truancy, but he's not entirely at fault.  compiled below is a list of scapegoats (though not in order of culpability).

a) shawn

b) my job (it gets in the way of so much)

c) books that have my attention

d) adventuring

and finally,

e) my new pills are making me extra sleepy

so let's see what's new, shall we?

I had a pretty bizarre dream last night that was rapidly fading so I scribbled it down into my dream journal before it was gone completely.  

christine left for seattle on thursday, which meant that we had the house to ourselves for the weekend.  this was particularly nice because we don't get a lot of time together completely alone together.

the following morning I awoke with an urge to visit the mystery spot in santa cruz.  I'd never been, had always wanted to go, and was in need of a wacky adventure.  

shawn is ever willing so off we went.

it was a long drive but the ride was spent in good conversation and I hardly noticed the time it took to get there.

after purchasing our tickets from a thoroughly bizarre old man at the ticket booth we perused the tacky gift shop.  I bought a book called, "weird california", full of curious locales to visit.  I have already decided on my next traipse, the wave organ in san francisco.  I have never heard of this and I plan to visit the cliff house sutro bath ruins while I'm there.  I've been before but shawn hasn't and I'd like him to see it.

to forge ahead on the mystery spot topic...

you have to actually have a tour guide and can't wander around on your own but as it turns out, you almost need one, and it's certainly better to have someone with you that (sort of) knows what the fuck is going on.  our tour guide was weird, looked like a leprechaun and was a little creepy but informative.

they're not entirely sure what's causing the disturbance in this particular neck of the woods but there are a few theories.  the most plausible is that there is a large magnetic rock bed underneath this particular stretch that causes a shift in gravity.

other theories include...

a spaceship buried underground

optical illusions caused by the tilt of the house itself 

a vortex somehow connected to the bermuda triangle (wtf?)

paranormal activity

and

high velocity soft electrons or carbon dioxide exiting the earth, among others.

none of these theories explains the depth perception disturbance in outdoor areas where a horizon line is present, the fact that brooms stand on end, severe disorientation and motion sickness even though you're not moving, absolutely no birds or animals of any kind can be heard or will nest in this area, compasses do not work, trees grow in spirals, the coriolis effect is backwards and the inconsistency of the phenomenon itself.  sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

regardless of the cause, there is certainly an effect.  it was interesting to say the least, but it was disorienting and I felt something strong and pulling at my center.  it was worse in some places over others, which also doesn't fit into the whole "tilted house theory".

whatever the case may be...

you should check it out, it's one of those nerdy, fun-for-the-whole-family dealy-o's.