kewl

happy new year.
I have to work but I really hope I can catch at least some of this.

honestly I can't figure out why it's such a big deal to people.
Going out on new years is always a huge debacle.  cover charges.  prix fixe menus.  crappy bands.  irresponsible drivers. not enough taxis.  vomit.  girl fights. boy fights.  dramatics.  

I don't understand why this night seems to be the most popular for kicking the shit out of oneself.

I'm not bias. I abuse myself on the regular. no excuse needed.

I never really do much for the ringing-in though.  maybe snuggle up into a board game with friends? family? I usually don't even drink much more than a glass of bubbles.

I'd say this is a sign that I'm turning into a wrinkled old prune of a woman but the truth is that I haven't cared for a long time.

actually, as I type this I realize that's true of a lot of things.

haha, my girlfriends in highschool could never figure out why I never got worked-up or upset about anything.  I always shrugged and said, "indifference is the key to happiness".  

do I still believe that?  maybe...

It kind of became my anthem and soon my friends started to follow suit.

They were never as good at it as I was though.

There's a certain kind of peace in it.   

apathetic zombie girl.  

I guess I care about more now, it's a conscious effort to let things go.  

Another hazard of aging.  

rut-stucking, opinionated, intolerant, geriatric fucks the world over have been light hearted and free spirited at some time in their lives.  I realize that it's not something that happens overnight, it's gradual, like hitting the dimmer switch.  

I'm ok though.  I like sitting in the dark.  it's comforting and quiet and warm and I'm not afraid at all.

I've written a lot more than I intended to.  that pleases me for some reason.  maybe because I haven't had much to say lately, thought I didn't have much to say today either.

I guess I was wrong.

love you guys... be safe.

you're not the boss of me. i do what i want.

I like telling people what to do.

I mostly just do it to see if they'll do what I tell them to, or to see their reaction.
I like to do it to people that it's inappropriate for me to boss around.

Like my boss.

the funny part is that they usually do it.
somehow by acting like you're in charge in a calm way, other people actually believe that you are.

People are afraid of me. me and my whole 5 feet and 3 inches.
I get away with so much shit.

this is hilarious to me.

i take the lead

take that, you selfish fuck.

you've been sapping my energy all day, dictating what I do and when I do it.

you think you can just walk in and take everything over?

oh no.  not with me you can't.  

I'm going out this weekend and you can't stop me.

I'm stronger than you and I will persevere until I get what I want.

yes you, dick fuck, you fucking ass clown.

yes, I'm talking to you, rhino.

go fuck yourself.

noteworthy bourgeois

I'm crazy.  It's been official for some time now.  It wasn't any one thing that pushed me over, it just happened over time.  crazy people are effectively taking over the world.  It's like a pandemic, with more people falling prey to it's clammy clutches every day.

It could be you next.

I'm okay with it.  

I had an appointment with my shrink this morning.  He adjusted my meds, no big deal.

As I was getting ready for work I noticed that one of my pupils was bigger than the other.  

somehow I don't think this is a good thing.  I'm not entirely worried about it but I guess I will be if it doesn't correct itself soon.  kinda creepy.

In brighter news, I got an A in my business class.  I knew I would but it still makes me happy.

I have a cold.  My head is so congested I can't see straight.  I blow my nose every five minutes.  I sneeze every 15. 

I'm fucking miserable.

have a nightmare have a notion

I found my dream journal.  Truth be told, it was never exactly lost.

It was always there in plain sight, I merely forgot it.  

It hung around on the sidelines until I finally paid attention, like a kid sister you're subconsciously ignoring.

"oh hello, I'd forgotten you"

come in...

shuteye

I slept slept slept in today.

When I woke up it was ridiculously close to 2pm.  I didn't care, I wanted to go back to sleep.  I was having wonderful dreams about old friends and new adventures.  I was happy in the warm little microcosm of my fluffy fluffy bed.

damn this cruel cruel world and all it's harsh realities.  I had to take my final and be to work by 4.  Against all odds I made it to work, all huffa chuffa and barely on time just so I could stand around all night.

pbbt... hurry up and wait indeed.

Now that all of this scholastic nonsense is behind me I endeavor to do as little as possible for as long as possible without becoming a total waste.  I want to open my business... I can't do it now though.  I mean look at the state of the economy.  It would be nothing short of suicide.

I can do some other things in the meantime however.  I want to take a spanish class, maybe two if my head doesn't explode after the first one.  My kitchen spanish is pretty good.  My conversational spanish es mas y menos basura caliente.  my how I do try though.

gesundheit

rhino virus + septum piercing = -fun

cookin' for christmas

okay, so I haven't been writing.

okay, okay.

I apologize.  Now can we move on?

I've been working on finishing up my class that I have plenty of complaints about, so I won't go into that.  Suffice it to say that I just took my last quiz after I turned in my final project and before I take my final.

yea, i know, makes no sense.

Christmas is creeping up and I actually have most of my xmas shopping done already, which is ripping a hole in the space-time continuum.  

My older sister is finally living close enough with her family to spend a Christmas with us, which is really nice.  Our tiny little family hasn't been all together for a holiday for a long time.  

Suji and Craig are both coming into town from their respective states, and even though everyone seems to be broke, we've all managed to buy or make gifts for each other without breaking the proverbial pig shaped bank.

These are all things I'm pretty happy about.

My friends that have been having tough times (some of them) seem to be tossing off their dark shrouds and rejoining the living and we have a fun 50's theme xmas party to go to this weekend.  Those two statements are not related and I am aware of that.  haha.

In regards to the party I was freaking a little 'cause I had to come up with an outfit becoming of a lady living in the feminine 50's, which is, by my own admission, a bit of a stretch for me.

I wanted to don a cutesy housewife dress a la faux rockabilly but the dresses online and at the vintage shops were retarded expensive, not even counting the accessories.

I resolved to plunge into the inky depths of the local consignment stores and find the ensemble of my dreams and in the vein of the christmas spirit I actually managed to find my entire outfit (purse and belt included) in a matter of a few hours.  A christmas miracle!

dress $6

belt $6

shoes $0 (I already have the perfect peek-toes)

purses $2.50 (yes 2! I couldn't decide but who has to at $1.25 a pop)

not ending this list with "priceless", priceless.

o listen to me go on!  I sound like one of those kitschy fashion hooers that like to babble about lipgloss and shoes.  Well, I'm trying to get into character so I guess I better brush up on my small talk and learn how to bake some decent fucking cookies.

...and of course I will take a picture of myself in a dress, because let's face it, it's a pretty monumental event and I do clean up nice.

merry shui-mas

CLEAN!

waaahhhhhoooooooo...

hahahahahaha, no it's not really that exciting but it does really feel good.  

It's like it changes the energy in the space around what's clean.  seriously.  feng shui style.

I spent a good amount of time going through the coat and linen closets and threw away a HUGE garbage bag full of shiznit.  Now, every time I walk down the hallway I feel good.  I feel like smiling.

As much as I dislike hippies I really am a big believer in feng shui.  it just makes sense, psychologically.  house and personal effects in order = peace.

makes sense to me...

'course I'm drunk.

I'm making chicken stock right now.  with chicken feet in it.  it makes me giggle because I'm a sick individual.  somehow my mind makes the leap from chicken foot to human foot and all I think is flavor.  hahahahahahahhahahaahha MWAH HAHA ....oh  ahem... excuse me.

there's a motion sensitive homer simpson santa in the kitchen.  I keep forgetting it's there.  it's fucking hilarious.  it sings and talks and shit.   

you should come over.  if only to witness homer's charm and wit.

Vicki?  you wanna come have christmas with us this year?  xmas eve.  food and shtuffffff.  I promise I'll be drunk and make inappropriate comments about your clothes in front of your kids.

o! and my neices will be here... 7ish and 13ish.

down in mouth

I have a friend that is hurting and in a lonely place.

I feel for him because I have been in his shoes before and it's awful awful awful and he was probably my only real friend at that time.

ew.  I hate it.

He's on drugs now though and drugs make everything better, always, so I think he's gonna be okay.  I should still visit him though and make sure he hasn't tried to hang himself with the phone cord.  

Actually I'm not sure he has a LAN line so maybe he would hang himself with his bed sheets or slice his wrists with something unconventional, like a toaster.  I wonder if that's possible, if it was, and if he did, he would get kudos for originality but I would still be sad about it.

impressed, but still sad.